Sunday, May 1, 2016

Your Whine List, Madam

A few weeks ago I was following my 9-year-old out of a gym after her gymnastics meet. She yelled some random complaint over her shoulder in my direction. Her coach happened to be walking next to me. She cocked her head to the side a bit, narrowed her eyes, and said in a knowing tone, "Oh...I recognize that whine." As we happened to be on our way to a restaurant for dinner, I began to imagine a whine list - one that could be perused, scrutinized, and appreciated by the discerning parent, coach, and teacher connoisseurs of the world...

Whine List

~*~ Chardonaysayer ~*~

A prime vintage, with a turned up nose, dry palate and frustrated finish. This classic "no" whine is a staple of all cellars, often the first whine to touch the lips of even the most amateur enthusiast. Best paired with a practiced count to ten and a fine choosing of battles. 

~*~ Sauvignon Blanc Stare ~*~

Another cellar staple, this whine features a complete lack of homework completion. Often paired with a poor excuse, this gem can occasionally include the surprising bouquet of a unique, imaginative explanation that leaves an unexpected smirk on appreciative lips and can conjure fond memories of excuses of yesteryear.

~*~ Malbec-Off ~*~

No cellar is complete without the versatile Malbec-off ~ a generally malcontent, argumentative, and ornery blend. Often paired with a sibling, but never with a nap, this classic will test the patience of even the most experienced whine collector.

~*~ Tempranillo Tantrum ~*~

This austere, full-bodied offering must be appreciated with restraint. What can begin with just a hint of temper on the tongue can quickly escalate to a rich serving of tantrum on the palate, with undeniably red hues and flailing extremities. Best paired with a sense of humor, a 6-pack of beer, and a sympathetic fellow whine enthusiast.

~*~ Boredeauxm ~*~

A fine vintage, often enjoyed at the most serene, peaceful tables. Typically coupled with frustrated huffs and theatrical eye rolls. Best paired with a list of chores that will counter even the most dramatic declarations of boredom.

~*~ Champagne Brute~*~

Typically sporting masculine undertones, generally paired with a younger sibling, and with a distinctly bruised finish, this vintage should be sampled in no more than sips and with much caution.

~*~ Merlot But Never Enough ~*~

Likely the most versatile and common selection of any cellar. No matter how generous the offering, this whine always wants a lot more. It is most often consumed in the toy isles of department stores and processed snack food isles of grocery stores. Generally paired with copious crocodile tears. Best appreciated with an unyielding will of steel.